Satriical Souls Gifts

"So we're agreed then - there's no need to make any changes to our equal opportunities employment policies."

"The prostate biopsy shows your pain threshold is much higher than normal."

"It's true: no more burpees."

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

"... And bless my dog, Penny, whose licks give me the strength to carry on."

'Yeah, I know your idea of heaven is to play golf all day, but all we have is shuffleboard!'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

"I have spirit, yes I do. I have spirit, how 'bout you?"

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

Hey, how was space? Fine. Jeez. The adolescent astronaut.

'This New Year you will be bathed in a sea of cash!...Hand on...Sorry. This New Year you will need a flea bath for some sort of rash.'

"You've been served."

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

"Sitting on a beanbag doesn't take me back to the seventies- it just makes me wonder how I'm ever going to get up again."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"I'd appreciate a little more reacting to my ranting."

Mitch learns he is not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

He. 'How would you like to own a--er--a little puppy?' She. 'Oh, Mr. Softly, this is so sudden!'

"How come they remember every word of any pop song but not a single line of poetry?"

'Wow! - Your diary is even more boring than MY diary!'

Aging together

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

'You know, it's kind of nice turning off the sound, turning on closed caption, and listening to piano music.'

'I really do feel empowered. I should've joined a gang years ago.'

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'

'It will cure every ailment known to man, the only side effect is, you'll choke to death trying to swallow it.'

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!