Satirical Thought Explorer Gifts

'Oh, that's mine. I attempted to have a thought earlier, but when I came up empty, it floated away.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

"This bag is carry-on, and this one is kick-drop-throw-and-pile-on."

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

Reverse psychology

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

'Stop emailing me, I am standing right here.'

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

'I'd go back if I were you.'

"In school we learned about Staten Island. Is that where they make all those pills you take?"

'All cats have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a cat.'

'I have no one to blame but myself, for now.'

'If executive bonuses are outlawed, only outlaws will have bonuses.'

'Johnson, if you're going to have negative thoughts, I suggest you get rid of that thought balloon!'

"I'm not going to lie. It took a large speaker's fee to get me to say your future is bright."

Elvis fan holding a sign reading 'NOT MY KING'.

"Hey germ, pick on someone your own size."

'But your honor, imitation is the sincerest form of copyright infringement.'

Prison for people who lack imagination.

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

'Marx and Engels - why they split.'

Executive Towers: Sorry, No Room Left At The Top!

'I don't really analyse dreams. I analyse why you think your dreams are worth analysing.'

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"I'm not 'just sitting here' — my mind is all over the place."

"You like it? It’s from the MoMA Store!"

"...And this is Mable, who will assist me with the billing."

'You understand, Yomp, it's not me speaking. It's the corporation!'

"Picking the right ethnicity of your nanny is the single-hardest part of being a mother these days."

"How a cartoonist's mind works #3 in a series" "Cartoons you think of during the day and draw" "Cartoons you think of in the middle of the night and forget"