Satirical Storytelling Enthusiast Gifts

'I couldn't afford to go on vacation this year, so I just walked downtown and got mugged instead.'

"Honestly, Edna, he just wasn't worth it!"

"Oh, go on. Let them have a go at shooting the cigarette out of your mouth... I mean, it's not like it'll matter if they miss and accidentally hit you."

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

Sen. Krupt. I don't tell constituents that we're fueling inflation. I say we're protecting consumers and thanks to us they won't have to worry about buying any cheap stuff.

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"And when the canyon fills up, that's it; herd immunity."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

Support the Ex-Troops

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

Come in, minion. What's up, boss? I'm writing a novel. It's a thriller about an intrepid caf

Torturing the English Language

Pretty Flowers

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

The height of fashion in 1796

A disgruntled employee chain-sawes hois boss's desk in two.Boss says:'Alright Smith, I'll stop referring to the employees as 'oopsy daisies'.'

"We're looking for that perfect blend of vision, ambition and ethical ambiguity."

reincarnated worm...

"If we only used bigger clubs we would defeat our enemies every time, and we would dominate them forever!"

Needed Inventions: An Airbag To Protect The Viewer Against A Really Lousy Program.

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"I don't like the looks of that!"

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

"We don't care about his nose. We won't let him play because he's not vaccinated and won't wear a mask!"

'Where was the TSA?'

"Let's say you've always wanted to make someone a mixtape to show them how much you care about them. What's the best order? Do you start with songs about how rich you are before moving on to the songs about love? Or vice versa?. . .What order would best simulate sincerity?"

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

"We're suing you under equal opportunities legislation for failure to represent our rights"

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

'Negotiations have reached an impasse, legal recommends we resort to violence.'

Meat Grinder

"I thought there would be bacon here."

"Mom, does the Russian borscht you made for dinner give me foreign-policy experience?"