Satirical Storytelling Admirer Gifts

"Incentive plan? Your paycheck clears. How's that for incentive?"

"How was I supposed to know that the apple was a controlled substance?"

"The little engine that could... after taking advantage of family connections, a trust fund, working two years for free as an intern, and finally getting hired as an independent contractor."

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

"What do you mean blood sucking pest? You're the one who invited me into your life!"

A Witch Consults Her Magic Mirror

"True, a salary cap on Wall Street may limit the talent pool, but, on the other hand, if they get any more talented we'll all be broke."

"Aren't you the estate agent who sold us this house?"

World Food Summit - No food and drink allowed in the auditorium.

What happened when the bond issues failed during the building of the Great Wall of China: The Great Picket Fence of China.

"I'm a common dolphin, I swim the west coast of Scotland foraging for fish and squid."

"Sorry Darling, you are fabulous, but I'm searching for MY Prince too!"

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

"Tell us again about the humpback of Notre dame."

"We did our best for your husband but his poor old health insurance was too weak..."

"Come in, minion."

'Not only can I not find the middle class tax cut, I can't find the middle class.'

"Cartoonist are harmless? Not at all!! These people have weapons!! Here, see for yourself!"

"You work for the family business, and I am your father, not the patriarchal oppressor..."

Militant Pacifists

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'This is a very dysfunctional company. No one will talk aboaut about the elephant in the boardroom!'

"Alright, fire me. But I'm taking back your "World's Greatest Boss" coffee mug!"

"My parents just raised my home school tuition."

Multiple personalities with blogs.

"Closing averages on the human scene were mixed today. Brotherly love was down two points, while enlightened self-interest gained a half. Vanity showed no movement, and guarded optimism slipped a point in sluggish trading. Over all, the status quo remained unchanged."

Arresting Adam and Eve

Time for today's dose of emotional manipulation...

"I'm afraid it's the bankruptcy virus."

"It must be near New Year's Day...There are Easter eggs in the shop windows!"

I knew we were in uncharted waters when our chickens started asking questions like these:

"He can't speak to you at the moment - he's bonding with his compensation package."

Surgical Self-Service