Satirical Storytelling Enthusiast Pillows

'I couldn't afford to go on vacation this year, so I just walked downtown and got mugged instead.'

"Honestly, Edna, he just wasn't worth it!"

"Oh, go on. Let them have a go at shooting the cigarette out of your mouth... I mean, it's not like it'll matter if they miss and accidentally hit you."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

"And when the canyon fills up, that's it; herd immunity."

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

A disgruntled employee chain-sawes hois boss's desk in two.Boss says:'Alright Smith, I'll stop referring to the employees as 'oopsy daisies'.'

"If we only used bigger clubs we would defeat our enemies every time, and we would dominate them forever!"

The height of fashion in 1796

reincarnated worm...

Needed Inventions: An Airbag To Protect The Viewer Against A Really Lousy Program.

"We don't care about his nose. We won't let him play because he's not vaccinated and won't wear a mask!"

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

'Where was the TSA?'

"Let's say you've always wanted to make someone a mixtape to show them how much you care about them. What's the best order? Do you start with songs about how rich you are before moving on to the songs about love? Or vice versa?. . .What order would best simulate sincerity?"

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"I don't like the looks of that!"

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

"We're suing you under equal opportunities legislation for failure to represent our rights"

'Negotiations have reached an impasse, legal recommends we resort to violence.'

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

"Mom, does the Russian borscht you made for dinner give me foreign-policy experience?"

'Okay, found you. Now let's open the 'Review' link...'

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