Satirical Storytelling Gifts

"I'm going out for a loaf of bread, dear-never to return."

A disgruntled employee chain-sawes hois boss's desk in two.Boss says:'Alright Smith, I'll stop referring to the employees as 'oopsy daisies'.'

Politically Correct Snowperson

"The little engine that could... after taking advantage of family connections, a trust fund, working two years for free as an intern, and finally getting hired as an independent contractor."

"She's a show dog...purebred, of course." "That's great! My guy's a Sanskrit scholar...wrote for the Harvard Lampoon."

"#notguilty."

"Ever since the layoffs, I feel like we've been doing the work of twenty clowns."

'What makes you think I want a trophy wife?'

The little engine that delegated

"Your records indicate a great deal of early promise however you've apparently become old and bald."

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

"Once upon a time there was a kind bank manager who found all the money lost in the global financial meltdown, brought world peace, stopped global warming, cured the common cold and discovered Julian Assange is Santa."

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

The trap

Attack Of The Guy From The Other Room

Peace bomb.

'I can't say I like your cavalier attitude Benson.'

"I didn't say I started jogging, I said blogging."

Corporate Punishment.

"That script of yours - I've never read such a load of cliched second-rate crap...It'll make us rich..."

'Who ordered twelve gross of aluminium buckets for the bailout?'

"I LOVE this business! Just when you think you've discovered our culture's lowest common denominator, along comes a crazy genius like you to show us how wrong our math was!"

Drone Baby Delivery

'It's odd...when I was CEO of Phoenix Industries everybody laughed at my jokes, but since I've been retired, nobody does.'

Oliver Twist As Re-imagined in the Modern Boardroom.

"It's true. God appeared to Trump in a dream and told him to run for president."

"One trip to the dentist and look who's got the attitude!"

'It's good you called me when you did, Bill. Believe it or not, a little speed-bump like this can derail a perfectly good career if it isn't handled just right!'

"Do we wait for it to be approved as an antibiotic, or do we go ahead right now and sell it as furniture polish?"

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

"Armstrong, why do we have Fourth of July decorations up? It's months away." "Exactly." "A true patriot loves his country regardless of the date." "A true patriot celebrates the founding of our corporatocracy every single day of the year, minion." "Some of the decorations are smeared with coffee grounds and banana peels." "A true patriot knows that one cafe's dumpster is another cafe's treasure."

'And the Angel of the Lord said unto them, 'Go fill all thy shops with overpriced tat, stuff thyselves sill for four months and see if thou canst get away with calling it Christmas.'

'My biggest mistake was to make a 'death-bed confession'... then I made a full recovery!'

"First of all, I'd like to thank all of the little pumpkins who made this night possible."