Satirical Soul Gifts

"This human experiment has gone on long enough. Give the hippos control."

'And finally, sir, would you like your burger flipped by a Ph.D. in Philosophy, History or English Literature?'

"I don't care if it's plant-based, you're creeping everyone out."

'Please... take... a... moment... to... complete... our... brief... survey... to... help... improve... customer... satisfaction... '

'We'll give you the loan if you agree to wear this tracking device until the loan is repaid.'

"There will always be death and taxes."

'Can't they just switch to smaller barrels?'

Gay Marriage Debate.

"Not enough money is being spent on safety, so be careful."

Hudson River Crouton

'What do you mean overdrawn, I still have 12 cheques left.'

"Of course she can."

"Here come those 7th Day Add-ventists. Them them we're 8-theists, and we don't believe in higher powers."

I combined the All-Fruit diet, the All-Meat diet, and the All-vegetable diet and you know what I got? Fat!

"Life is full of transitions...like from student loan to credit card debt."

Lone student with loan.

'Every time I step on the scale Alexa uses my weight for the joke of the day.'

"It only made sense for us to finally merge."

"Pass the Soma, dear."

"I guess how this works is the light comes on and I use the phone to sell some software and I get a food pellet and not get shocked."

"You do realise that the post is only part time, no more than 70 or 80 hours a week."

Secretary of the Air Forces

"No doubt you have lots of questions, and they'll ALL be answered by this informative new video created by our human resources department!".

The Influence of Television

'Oh, wait!... I forgot to tax your brain.'

"Before I fire you, I'd like to draw your attention to my new line of merchandise."

'Wow! Who knew free speech was so expensive!'

"I think that before we put the flat on AirBnb we should have moved out."

New study: Brain Fat.

"It's adjusted for inflation. A dollar a chip."

The following programme contain no scenes of violence, swearing or sex. This may upset some viewers...."

Gotthold Ephraim Lessing

Hook them with a crisis.

Have A Nice Day (piss off)

"You too, Merlot?"