Satirical Soul Pillows

"This human experiment has gone on long enough. Give the hippos control."

'And finally, sir, would you like your burger flipped by a Ph.D. in Philosophy, History or English Literature?'

"I don't care if it's plant-based, you're creeping everyone out."

'Please... take... a... moment... to... complete... our... brief... survey... to... help... improve... customer... satisfaction... '

'We'll give you the loan if you agree to wear this tracking device until the loan is repaid.'

"There will always be death and taxes."

'Can't they just switch to smaller barrels?'

'What do you mean overdrawn, I still have 12 cheques left.'

Gay Marriage Debate.

Lone student with loan.

"Life is full of transitions...like from student loan to credit card debt."

I combined the All-Fruit diet, the All-Meat diet, and the All-vegetable diet and you know what I got? Fat!

"Of course she can."

"Not enough money is being spent on safety, so be careful."

Hudson River Crouton

Have A Nice Day (piss off)

Hook them with a crisis.

Gotthold Ephraim Lessing

The following programme contain no scenes of violence, swearing or sex. This may upset some viewers...."

"It's adjusted for inflation. A dollar a chip."

New study: Brain Fat.

"I think that before we put the flat on AirBnb we should have moved out."

'Wow! Who knew free speech was so expensive!'

"Before I fire you, I'd like to draw your attention to my new line of merchandise."

'Oh, wait!... I forgot to tax your brain.'

The Influence of Television

Secretary of the Air Forces

If you don't see what you want - just ask.

"See that little speck where the drop ceiling meets the horizon? That's him."

Outbreaks with a new strain of Covid

"I'd cut your benefits instead of your job, if you had any."

"Quick, War and No Peace is on."

"Sure, you can use the bathroom. But, you have to put your request in writing and send three copies to the personnel department."

'Every time I step on the scale Alexa uses my weight for the joke of the day.'

"Pass the Soma, dear."