Comedian Soul Gifts

'The fact that I'm not a telemarketer hasn't stopped women from putting me on their 'Do Not Call' list.'

'Can't they just switch to smaller barrels?'

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

What say we rough it today and go without ice in our drinks!

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

Another day at work would be one too many...

'Just a word of advice ... He's a Saints' fan.'

“...And on the ninth day God created mosquitoes, just to annoy the hell out of everyone.”

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Rap music

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

Toy plane with pilot eject.

A private jet takes off

'When you said you had an investment in gold, you didn't mention it was in your teeth!'

"Careful. That house has a taser."

"He's declared it an area of natural beauty"

Message in a bottle being read by a fish

Moses uses the burning bush to roast a kosher frank

Rodin's Thinker.

'That's funny, everybody else is going downstream.'

"...Wow, if Malcolm Gladwell is right, we need to get a cat who's a Virgo ASAP!"

'Shall we bother with the sweet, chubby-chops?'

Adam puts God on hold while texting.

Exit Next Left

'After the tone, please leave your name and number.'

"You do realise that the post is only part time, no more than 70 or 80 hours a week."

'Well, if nothing else, Brad, your wine selection does prove you have a sense of humor.'

"Over millions of years, carbon turns to diamond. Yet it took dad plus his grill mere minutes to turn last night's marinated chicken into that carbon."

'Would you say your glass is half empty or half full?' 'Whose round is it?'

"I don't care if it's plant-based, you're creeping everyone out."

"Your mother and I think it's time you got a place of your own. We'd like a little time alone before we die."

Clubbing