Comedic Soul Gifts

"I love the convenience, but the roaming charges are killing me."

"I'd like to show remorse, but I can't remember what I did."

Birds in a birdhouse watching TV.

'I warned her that too much dieting could be a danger to her health!'

Man driving car using feet: 'Stinkin' hybrid!'

". . . ashes to ashes, dust to dust, a handful of ground coriander, the zest of a lemon. . ."

"Hey, baby - that doesn't mean you!"

"Your uniform has arrived for working for the royal male."

"Apologies to all contacts, my account was hacked last night by Vodka."

"I'm not really barking at anything. It's mostly for the pleasure of hearing myself bark. It's like animal social media."

"I know you won the lottery George, but is this the best you can up with?"

'Yes, Master is drunk, but don't worry, I've stolen his car keys...'

'The only good drive I made all morning was the ride back from the stupid golf course.'

'How long have you been retaining water?'

'Man, why don't you get a life!'

'I've been reincarnated 47 time, and it's ALWAYS as some poor schlub sitting on a mountain!'

'I tried letting it all hang out, and somebody stepped on it.'

'When you invited me out fot dinner, I thought you meant...' 'Shhh!'

'Tommy's Bar and Grill: No Shoes, No Shirt, No Butt Crack.'

'Quick give them back-he's coming.'

"I'm $37,000 in debt for my theatre degree. I may be acting, but my tears are real."

"Underneath all that,lies a perfect 38"22"36"!!"

A woman floats in the pool under the shade of an airplane

Get crazy once in a while

'Well if I'm so 'bloody useless' perhaps you'd better read the map!'

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'

Fly fishing.

Clancy Strip: Money and Beer

"I hope I'm not embarrassing you, Elaine... I guess I've always been a fool for love."

Beware of balloon dog.

"There's no need to be em'bear'rassed about what you like!"

Delusional Golfer's Optical Illusion

I'm getting old, I spotted a couple of brown hairs among the punk.

X-RAY

'Well, given that you have three broken ribs, laughing is bound to be painful...'