Comedic Charitable Soul Gifts

"Get over yourself George, it was only a $100 donation."

"Soul searching? Yes, you could call it that."

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"Who's got the hammer?"

"Repent" "Give alms" "Resist temptation" "Pray for me" "Fasting" "Acts of service" "Sacrifice" "Abstain" "You are ashes" "You are dust" "No meat"

Man with fishing line going into water. Fishing line coming down from sky.

Get crazy once in a while

'Well if I'm so 'bloody useless' perhaps you'd better read the map!'

Breast Height Chart

Beer $.50. I've had lot of psychological therapy, but none of it seems to help. Maybe you

"My wish is simple—to give something back to the community."

Only then, did Medusa realise her mistake.

Fish Posting No Fishing Sign

'The guys say that the stripper won't be available before our wedding...would you mind if I had my bachelor party after the honeymoon?'

Insecurities of the Bald Eagle.

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: I need backup...NOW!

'Just remember, he's bigger, but you're funnier. As soon as he starts laughing, you've got him!'

"Happy Birthday!"

"Before I start. . . . are you sure pruning doesn't violate the tree's rights?"

"Haven't you a small one that would fit into a soldier's pack?"

Biological Alarm Clock.

'I used to trade in futures until I learned the planet doesn't have one.'

I'm getting old, I spotted a couple of brown hairs among the punk.

'Well, given that you have three broken ribs, laughing is bound to be painful...'

"It's our latest celebrity scent, it's called Elon Musk. It smells like money!"

'Cool it with the herbal shampoo -- you've got aphids.'

Washing Machine Torture

'Alright, alright. I had a hard day fighting crime. No need to get smart about it.'

"Our records show that you unsubscribed to our company's e-newsletter. We need to have a little talk."

Cat doctor to cat patient sitting on exam table 'All I'm saying is liposuction won't help if you don't lay off the tuna smoothies.'

'You'll grow into it!'

Pirate Paddle Boat.

'... and then he slammed the door in my face...'

How cats see their home

"When I said the surgery was minimally invasive I wasn't talking about your finances."