Comedic Altruists Gifts

'Help support Santa off-season.'

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: I need backup...NOW!

Fish Posting No Fishing Sign

"Before I start. . . . are you sure pruning doesn't violate the tree's rights?"

Biological Alarm Clock.

"Don't think of it as forgetting stuff. Think of it as freeing up brain space."

Teacher to student: 'I taught your father. He owes me $3,000 for therapy.'

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

'Will you tell the dog I live here!'

"It's nice to see you expressing yourselves, but what you need to focus on what's good for the whole group!"

"This is the future of logistics. Thanks to our new technology this parcel can miss-send itself to somewhere in Kazakhstan."

"Okay, we've donated to the Food Bank, Feed the Hungry, Food for Life, Hunger Helpers, Starving World, Second Helpings. . . is anyone else getting hungry?"

"My primary challenge is to strip away the hardened carapace of societal expectations..."

'Why would I want an ocean-going yacht when I've got a rocking chair in my front porch?'

"The Bible . . . that would be under self-help."

We live in a cancel culture? Somebody needs to tell this magazine's subscription department.

No, thank you, I brought my own bag.

'He's so unlucky that he gets into accidents that started happening to someone else.'

Noah's Dinghy

I'm the gorilla's nuts... I'm the dog's bo****ks... He's never been good at hiding his light under a bushel.

Memento 2: Pandemic Parenting

'It's the thin person inside you, screaming to get out - I'm afraid he's not alone.

"We steal gold from the rich and sell it to a metals broker. They make a prfit on their buy and sell spread and share a portion of that with us. Then, after the skimming and the rebates, we give to the poor."

'That's not the sort of request I meant, Madam, and anyway it's physically impossible!'

"You do pro bono work, I work for a non-profit, we both do volunteer work... that's why we need food stamps."

'Well, obviously if I'd known car tax was going to go up I'd have bought a more sensible vehicle.'

"I know I encourage employees to take initiative, Tom... but I think you should change that back!"

Cat in bandages.

"Wver notice if you speed-read these cave drawings you invent animation?"

"I was gonna try yoga, but I don't actually bend so that's not going to work."

Agnostics Society: Absolute worst place to ask for directions.

"Sign here please." "Scorpio?"

'It's good that you enjoy volunteerism. This job pays just about nothing.'