Soulful Satirist Gifts

"Just be happy you're getting in, worry about your hair later."

They're Not Just That Into It

'Can't they just switch to smaller barrels?'

Priest's 'To do' list.

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

"Intelligent design...well, duh!"

Sock Puppet in Literature

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

'No, smart guy -- it means all of them at once!'

"Mainstream? Who's to say what's mainstream?"

"Careful. That house has a taser."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"You do realise that the post is only part time, no more than 70 or 80 hours a week."

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

"I don't care if it's plant-based, you're creeping everyone out."

"That's Bob. He's a bit of a wing nut."

'Even More Disciples'

Free ticket to heaven... details inside

The Ten Really Cool Facts

"I don't want any old ones, I want my own back..."

"It only made sense for us to finally merge."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Not enough money is being spent on safety, so be careful."

"Couldn't you just set up a facebook page or a blog?"

'Secondhand smoke.'

"Wow, these are great cartoons! We have to let them go, and anyway, cartoonists are on the endangered species list..."

"This 'laying up treasures in heaven' thing - Is it some kind of tax dodge or what?"

"Many of us are worrying, Brother Daniel, that you've become too clothes conscious."

"And the Lord said, 'You know, it takes a ton of money to run a place like this.'"

"Whew! What a day! I just get out of bed and all Hell breaks loose."

"He wants us to start calling him 'Head Honcho'."

"I'll take new members any way I can get them."

'You said I should check back with you if I didn't get any better. . .'

'The company was quite generous. They gave me a whole day off for the funeral.'