Satirical Sophisticate Gifts

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"All the government wants to do is push our buttons!"

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

'In a nutshell, foods are drugged and drugs are eaten like food.'

All Harold's aptitude test showed is that he had an aptitude for taking tests.

"Of course it's alien abductions! How else would you explain the, 'November Phenomenon'?"

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

"What do you mean blood sucking pest? You're the one who invited me into your life!"

Our college is tuned to the students' every need! Campus Visits. We have body image awareness week. Safe sex awareness week. Bullying, drug use and tolerance awareness weeks. What did I miss? Welcome. History, math or English awareness week? Great idea. I'll suggest that.

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

"True, a salary cap on Wall Street may limit the talent pool, but, on the other hand, if they get any more talented we'll all be broke."

'As you can see,we run a completely paperless office.'

World Food Summit - No food and drink allowed in the auditorium.

What happened when the bond issues failed during the building of the Great Wall of China: The Great Picket Fence of China.

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

"I'm a common dolphin, I swim the west coast of Scotland foraging for fish and squid."

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

"We're going to run some tests: bloodwork, a cat-scan and the S.A.T.'s."

"You work for the family business, and I am your father, not the patriarchal oppressor..."

Militant Pacifists

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'Not only can I not find the middle class tax cut, I can't find the middle class.'

Party-Crashing Ban

"Cartoonist are harmless? Not at all!! These people have weapons!! Here, see for yourself!"

"We did our best for your husband but his poor old health insurance was too weak..."

'This is a very dysfunctional company. No one will talk aboaut about the elephant in the boardroom!'

"Alright, fire me. But I'm taking back your "World's Greatest Boss" coffee mug!"

"My parents just raised my home school tuition."

Bachelors and Masters degrees.

"Closing averages on the human scene were mixed today. Brotherly love was down two points, while enlightened self-interest gained a half. Vanity showed no movement, and guarded optimism slipped a point in sluggish trading. Over all, the status quo remained unchanged."

"Yes, this is heaven - but we need some source of funding, too."