Satirical Sophisticate Gifts

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

'In a nutshell, foods are drugged and drugs are eaten like food.'

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

All Harold's aptitude test showed is that he had an aptitude for taking tests.

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

"What do you mean blood sucking pest? You're the one who invited me into your life!"

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

"True, a salary cap on Wall Street may limit the talent pool, but, on the other hand, if they get any more talented we'll all be broke."

What happened when the bond issues failed during the building of the Great Wall of China: The Great Picket Fence of China.

World Food Summit - No food and drink allowed in the auditorium.

"I'm a common dolphin, I swim the west coast of Scotland foraging for fish and squid."

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"You work for the family business, and I am your father, not the patriarchal oppressor..."

"We did our best for your husband but his poor old health insurance was too weak..."

"Cartoonist are harmless? Not at all!! These people have weapons!! Here, see for yourself!"

'Not only can I not find the middle class tax cut, I can't find the middle class.'

Militant Pacifists

'This is a very dysfunctional company. No one will talk aboaut about the elephant in the boardroom!'

"My parents just raised my home school tuition."

"Alright, fire me. But I'm taking back your "World's Greatest Boss" coffee mug!"

Bachelors and Masters degrees.

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

"Closing averages on the human scene were mixed today. Brotherly love was down two points, while enlightened self-interest gained a half. Vanity showed no movement, and guarded optimism slipped a point in sluggish trading. Over all, the status quo remained unchanged."

"Yes, this is heaven - but we need some source of funding, too."

Multiple personalities with blogs.