Sophisticated Satirist Gifts

"Lionel will be watching the new Administration very closely."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

They're Not Just That Into It

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"Actually, it's more like a mouse race."

Sock Puppet in Literature

"International best seller! It's just a squirrel."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

'Secondhand smoke.'

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

William Makepeace Thackeray.

Bachelors and Masters degrees.

"Hey Alexa, make it nice and easy for hackers to keep tabs on everything I do and influence my voting intentions."

Waiting Room For Godot.

'I just read 'Moby Dick'...do you have anymore 'whale hate' literature?'

'His BACH is worse than his bite.'

'Don't believe everything you read.'

Thomas Carlyle

"My book is actually about 12th century Etruscan pottery but I thought it might sell better if I aimed it at the children's market."

"Thank god for Sudoku."

You're Employment has been terminated -Smiley face lol

'According to creation mathematicians, all of Euclid's theories were originally found etched into rocks.'

'I'm not interested in what the paper is about, Dr Jones, I just want you to put me on the authors' list...'

"He was murdered with one of the rejection slips he sent."

'To be or not to be . . . contingent on royal funding.'

"Reservations, please. And while I wait, I'd like to hear Act II of 'Tosca' sung by Tito Gobbi and Maria Callas."

'Poet Laureate' door 'Gone to lunch-back twixt 2 &3'

"I've been toiling for months to write the great American tweet."

"This book is the future of literature. It is paper-free to help save the planet and completely free of words and images so no one is offended."

"Do you have other references? We feel your guardian angel would be biased in your favor."

Woman uses birds to help her believe she has lost weight.

'I'll publish it if you include a character obviously based on me.'

John Bunyan and Alfred Deakin

My new year's resolution is to write a best-selling novel. Did you know "50 Shades of Grey" started out as fan fiction about that vampire book "Twilight"? I just need to repeat that formula: write fan fiction about a popular book and then just change all the names when I'm done. That way, my book will appeal to that same audience and they won't even know why. Which "popular book" are you going to write fan fiction about? "50 Shades of Grey." Only I'll change the names to "Bella" and "Edward," an