Satirical Relationship Analyst Gifts

"Sure, I could do a second honeymoon. . . with who?"

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

I DATED A GUY FROM THE FAIR, BUT . . .

'The bad news is you're going to marry a geek, and not a pro athlete. The good news is the geek owns the team.'

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

"April Fools'! You should’ve seen the look on your face!"

"Even though I wasn't always perfect, I feel deep down that I am now."

"And there was I thinking you'd been Beta tested."

"I may be obsessive and I may be compulsive, but no way am I obsessive compulsive."

Awkward First Dates

"Men can keep a secret, but it takes a woman to tell them that it was supposed to be a secret!"

'I want to finish with him, but I'll have to wait until he's made the final payment on my engagement ring.'

"So, how are we doing with our trust issues?"

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

'We have irreconcilable differences -- he's a MAN!'

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

I asked my girlfriend if there was someone else...

"I'll probably die an old woman before I get that bedtime story."

(Diamonds shining, … Dancing, dining, …with some man in a restaurant. Is that all you really want?) (Are you making this up?) (Unsophisticated Lady)

Planned Parenthood: Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

"It's nothing, go back to sleep. I was just getting a DNA sample."

'At last, the newly discovered films of Woody Alien.'

"It wasn't a farming accident. She just bit my head off again."

Sharing the Bed with Zeno

Relationships.

"I'm ready to go whenever you're through fussing with tablescapes."

'You can have any opinion you want as long as it's mine.'

"I've had you appraised."

"Oh darling! I just got your wonderful value added proposition! Of course I'll marry you!"

'Silly me. I thought his 'Catch and Release' bumper sticker referred to his philosophy on trout fishing.'

"I miss the way it was when I thought you knew everything."

"I don't love you anymore, Barry, but I still think you're a great American."

"She's got money and he's a 'poet'."

"Remember that lovely couple of scarlet macaws we met in Puerto Jiménez? They split up!"

"That was Brad with the Democratic weather. Now here's Tammy with the Republican weather."