Satirical Realist Gifts

I intended to be a bum, but family connections and inherited wealth got in the way.

'I thought working for a congresswoman would be different than working for congressmen.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

'In a nutshell, foods are drugged and drugs are eaten like food.'

"It was a holiday I'll never forget...I saw life in the raw!"

"Yes, one is a dog."

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

The prying mantis,

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

All Harold's aptitude test showed is that he had an aptitude for taking tests.

Reverse psychology

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Horse statue throws off rider.

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

'Stop emailing me, I am standing right here.'

'I'd go back if I were you.'

Department of No One Could Have Anticipated

"In school we learned about Staten Island. Is that where they make all those pills you take?"

Elvis fan holding a sign reading 'NOT MY KING'.

'If executive bonuses are outlawed, only outlaws will have bonuses.'

"I'm after the history section."

'Johnson, if you're going to have negative thoughts, I suggest you get rid of that thought balloon!'

"I'm not going to lie. It took a large speaker's fee to get me to say your future is bright."

"Hey germ, pick on someone your own size."

"Adorable. Is yours a rescue too?"

'But your honor, imitation is the sincerest form of copyright infringement.'

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

Inhospitality tent.

"Pat's independently wealthy and dependably entertaining."