Satirical Investing Tips Pillows

Financial Advisor to client: 'Your portfolio still could earn money if you believe in the existence of junk bond elves.'

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

The transparent safe box of Panama

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

"They've made these fund prospectuses much easier to read." Brochure states; 'Give us all your money and get lost."

'We're all right as long as they think we're taking millions.'

Exchange Rate Going Down the Plughole

The Contrarian funds

'Give me something that will restore my faith in Equities . . .'

'I thought time was supposed to be money!'

"Cold drinks" "Tesla stock"

'On Wall Street, both stocks and bonds dropped on news that adversity is good for the soul.'

I think I can explain what happened to your investment, with the use of this simple chart.

'I today's market news, Greed roared back.'

'It's like a bull market, only not as aggressive. It's more like a steer market.'

'...But the good news is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

'And then the bad man from the Securities and Exchange Commission and I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house down!'

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."

'I can't believe it! This is when I sent out a company memo advocating a win-win philosophy.'

'Stocks gyrated today on news life is full of suprises.'

"Humpty Dumpty had a great fall? Was he invested in emerging markets?"

'Today the Yuan rose against the pork belly, the chicken beak, the eel, the wanton, and the egg noodle.'

'I'm calling my invention 'IPO'.'

Investments: We have locally grown stocks.

'Polly wants a Nasdaqer...Polly wants a Nasdaqer...'

"This is a penny stock. This is a prime stock and this is a laughing stock."

"We've lowered our IPO price so many times, the Street's referring to it as an Initial Pathetic Offer."

Financial Bailout Required.

'Today stocks dropped on news that the only thing to fear is everything.'

"I recommend that you dump the tech stocks and go into acorns."

Garage Sale: Assorted shares of stocks.

Morgue for Dot Com Stocks