Satirical Investing Tips Prints

Financial Advisor to client: 'Your portfolio still could earn money if you believe in the existence of junk bond elves.'

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

The transparent safe box of Panama

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

"They've made these fund prospectuses much easier to read." Brochure states; 'Give us all your money and get lost."

'We're all right as long as they think we're taking millions.'

Exchange Rate Going Down the Plughole

'Give me something that will restore my faith in Equities . . .'

The Contrarian funds

'I thought time was supposed to be money!'

I think I can explain what happened to your investment, with the use of this simple chart.

'It's like a bull market, only not as aggressive. It's more like a steer market.'

'I today's market news, Greed roared back.'

Stock Market Research and Analysis

'On Wall Street, both stocks and bonds dropped on news that adversity is good for the soul.'

"Cold drinks" "Tesla stock"

'...But the good news is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."

'I can't believe it! This is when I sent out a company memo advocating a win-win philosophy.'

'And then the bad man from the Securities and Exchange Commission and I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house down!'

"Humpty Dumpty had a great fall? Was he invested in emerging markets?"

'Stocks gyrated today on news life is full of suprises.'

'I see you've renamed your portfolios Moe, Larry and Curley.'

'Polly wants a Nasdaqer...Polly wants a Nasdaqer...'

'I'm calling my invention 'IPO'.'

'Today the Yuan rose against the pork belly, the chicken beak, the eel, the wanton, and the egg noodle.'

" ... and markets closed lower today on news that markets would close lower today."

Investments: We have locally grown stocks.

"This is a penny stock. This is a prime stock and this is a laughing stock."

"We've lowered our IPO price so many times, the Street's referring to it as an Initial Pathetic Offer."

"I only invest in alternative meat products, so I reject the terms 'Bull' and 'Bear'."

Without telling me, you invested my salary in The Infant Restaurant Critic. It's a funny story, actually … Weeks earlier, the cafe got a visit from a baby whose screaming and yelling can make or break the restaurant. If the baby eats the food, the eatery gets a good review online. If not, ouch. It's not Yelp, more like yell. Or whine. But like so many subjective concepts, this one can be corrupted. It turned out that the entrepreneurs behind The Infant Restaurant Critic were willing to compromis

Garage Sale: Assorted shares of stocks.

Financial Bailout Required.

'Today stocks dropped on news that the only thing to fear is everything.'