Satirical Investor Pillows

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."

'The All-American Fund - may contain trace amounts of overseas investments.'

Without telling me, you invested my salary in The Infant Restaurant Critic. It's a funny story, actually … Weeks earlier, the cafe got a visit from a baby whose screaming and yelling can make or break the restaurant. If the baby eats the food, the eatery gets a good review online. If not, ouch. It's not Yelp, more like yell. Or whine. But like so many subjective concepts, this one can be corrupted. It turned out that the entrepreneurs behind The Infant Restaurant Critic were willing to compromis

'Today the Yuan rose against the pork belly, the chicken beak, the eel, the wanton, and the egg noodle.'

Buy ten stocks and I'll give you a free meal every day...including a family box of gastric spasm medicine!

The truth is, Congressman, we didn't know it was wrong to screw people.

'Now that we've defined 'happy deficits' let's try it out on the stockholders.'

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

'We're all right as long as they think we're taking millions.'

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

Vinnie's Repossessions: A Turtle has just had his shell repossessed

'Bad news on Wall Street. The entire stock market has been downgraded to a 'junk' classification.'

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

Where Ignorance is Bliss.

'I think we're setting the bar too low.'

"Thank you, and may the I.R.S. accept all your deductions."

Help! Have to pay back a big world bank loan.

Exchange Rate Going Down the Plughole

The Contrarian funds

'Give me something that will restore my faith in Equities . . .'

Investments.

'I thought time was supposed to be money!'

'The fourth quarter was no walk in the park. Especially for those who count on us to walk in the park.'

Your son has a genetic inability to calculate. This forecasts for him a brilliant career in the Ministry of Finance.

'I today's market news, Greed roared back.'

I think I can explain what happened to your investment, with the use of this simple chart.

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

'The 'free market' economic theory is falling!'

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

'On Wall Street, both stocks and bonds dropped on news that adversity is good for the soul.'

'It's a demonstration by retired CEOs who refuse to give up their bonuses.'

Stock Market Research and Analysis

"We disagree with the president - we kinda like Robin Hood - we take from everyone and keep it - how much more successful can you get?"