Satirical Investor Pillows

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."

'The All-American Fund - may contain trace amounts of overseas investments.'

'Today the Yuan rose against the pork belly, the chicken beak, the eel, the wanton, and the egg noodle.'

Buy ten stocks and I'll give you a free meal every day...including a family box of gastric spasm medicine!

The truth is, Congressman, we didn't know it was wrong to screw people.

'Now that we've defined 'happy deficits' let's try it out on the stockholders.'

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

'We're all right as long as they think we're taking millions.'

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

Vinnie's Repossessions: A Turtle has just had his shell repossessed

'Bad news on Wall Street. The entire stock market has been downgraded to a 'junk' classification.'

"Thank you, and may the I.R.S. accept all your deductions."

Where Ignorance is Bliss.

Help! Have to pay back a big world bank loan.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'I think we're setting the bar too low.'

Exchange Rate Going Down the Plughole

'Give me something that will restore my faith in Equities . . .'

The Contrarian funds

'The fourth quarter was no walk in the park. Especially for those who count on us to walk in the park.'

'I thought time was supposed to be money!'

Investments.

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

I think I can explain what happened to your investment, with the use of this simple chart.

'The 'free market' economic theory is falling!'

'On Wall Street, both stocks and bonds dropped on news that adversity is good for the soul.'

'It's like a bull market, only not as aggressive. It's more like a steer market.'

Your son has a genetic inability to calculate. This forecasts for him a brilliant career in the Ministry of Finance.

'The bad news is that we're only in it for the money.'

'I today's market news, Greed roared back.'

"We bring him gifts of gold, frankincense and mercantile mutual hedge fund options."

'It's a demonstration by retired CEOs who refuse to give up their bonuses.'

"We disagree with the president - we kinda like Robin Hood - we take from everyone and keep it - how much more successful can you get?"

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."