Satirical Elf Fan Gifts

Accept cookies?

"I don't want a G.O.A.T, I want a S.C.A.P.E.G.O.A.T."

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

'In the computer simulation he said he admired my candor and gave me a raise.'

DOWN WITH THE KING!, 'Do you know what the PENALTY is for disturbing the peace during wartime?'

'Steve says that he doesn't understand why the liberals are so glum! They already have a majority.'

'Enter His Royal Globalness...'

Basically, you should think outside the box, but don't color outside the lines!

Goodbye Opiate of the Masses

Santa's Helpers

"Call me selfish if you want, but I have no issue with spoiling the farmer's Christmas lunch: I'm out of here..."

"I don't know how to tell you this, but it looks like you have a brain the size of a walnut."

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

"Is this your bright idea, Janet?"

"You may have heard some very slanderous rumours about this company."

Supermarket Warehouse. At night, with just security here, the products sing classic karaoke. The orange juice is belting Elvis'"All Shook Up." Peanut butter and jelly performed a duet of "Love Will Keep Us Together." children's breakfast cereal sang "Sugar, Sugar." And sriracha sauce did a rendition of "Great Balls of Fire"! What song will the ground beef choose? Jimmy Buffett's "Cheeseburger in Paradise," of course!

'It's not the same. I was caught stealing office supplies. You, on the other hand, got caught stealing ideas.'

'Have you heard about the new Medicare drug plan called plan C? Medicare gives you $30 for a bus ticket to Canada!'

'Is it urgent?'

Focus Group Failures

Their bubble-boss seemed completely unaware of the toxic work environment.

'Taking bribes is understandable, Senator, but you really shouldn't keep billing records.'

SANTA'S ATTORNEY

"No offence Jon, but..."

B2B.Com Pay Per View.

'Even if we did skin you last year, you may not deduct your dermatologist bill this year.'

"A valiant effort, Mike, but just accept that you're going bald."

"Okay, who's the wise guy elf?"

'Margaret our phone's been tapped!'

"Don't even think about it."

'Edna, the company was serious when it said it planned on promoting from within.'

"Right you've got 30 minutes...start squeezing!"

Santa with a boy on his knee:' I've got your 300 dollars. Did you bring your Mom and Dad's social security numbers and password information?'