Sassy Soul Gifts

"Must everything be hormonal? Can't I just be in a bad mood sometimes?"

"Yeah, I got into trouble, but I think the principal really enjoyed my rendition of 'I Did It My Way.'"

Cat Tie

What's In Her Bag? Coachella Edition!

'It's baseball season!'

Clown to clown on unicycle: 'How does it corner?'

"I can't stay in this hospital bed too long. Everyone will think I'm too old...too fragile...ready for the home. I'm not ready for that!"

Cheerleaders

'That one's going to be a klutz.'

"I'll probably die an old woman before I get that bedtime story."

Whatever!

'You're so nice and friendly that I've got nothing to moan about. That's a bit of cheek!'

No Time-Outs Left. Please Help.

'He's known as the hardest-driving track coach in the country.'

Monster Horrorscopes

"Ha! Now no one can call me 'old'! I just overtook a sports car!"

I'm Aging Gracefully...so SHUT UP!!!

"I still jump out of bed every morning. I just don't stick the landing as often."

'What do you mean, 'act my age'?... If I did that I'd be dead!'

'Sure, I am usually old and wise, but with you my boy, I just love to be silly!'

"I've had many men in this town darling, but many men have not had me."

Furniture from hell.

'With a five day week I golfed and fished. On a four day week I took up bowling and with a three day week I started skiing. Gentlemen, I'm too tired for a two day week.'

"Does the phone in my back pocket make my butt look too big?"

"You know you have a weak heart, mom. Sit down on your favorite rocking chair and just it easy."

'Perfect birthday party dear, but so it should be after the practice you've had over so many years.'

"Good arm."

"In other words homogenius."

'I don't eat organic foods. At my age I can use all the preservatives I can get.'

Boot Sale: Buy One Boot Get Second Boot Free.

"He's perfectly nice, but sort of boring, like good cholesterol or something."

"Sweetie, words have the power to hurt. I'll teach you some of the most effective ones."

ACME COMPUTER DATING SERVICE, 'She should be attractive, intelligenty, charming, and funny, or best offer.

'...Ok clothes, for the way you or someone else could live if you chose to, but you don't so you buy the clothes anyway as silly, sassy statement of defiance!'

"Can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with tennis."