Sassy Storyteller Gifts

"In other words homogenius."

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

"Them's cat-fightin' words, Arlin!"

"Sorry lad, ye can't be having' me pot o' toilet paper."

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

"Hello, my name is Karl and I'm addicted to speaking to small groups of strangers."

'We're doing a fly on the wall documentary.'

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

'What? I'm scratching the sofa! I'm not! And if I was? It's your fault!'

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

"I'll probably die an old woman before I get that bedtime story."

How I met your mother

"Well, sir, it looks like things are getting pretty serious for Peter and Pauline."

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

Whatever!

'You're so nice and friendly that I've got nothing to moan about. That's a bit of cheek!'

'There's a little bit of my late husband in every glass - I used his ashes as a fining agent.'

"I've finally finished my lockdown novel."

Pets in Attorney's office - 'The iguana gets everything.'

"This little piggy went to market, this little piggy drove the getaway car..."

Hog Futures

"Come with us to see the wizard. He can find you a brain!"

"Convicts selling novels from prison? At least that could never happen here, eh Jones?"

Chicken Funeral Planning.

'I've written a poem describing my feelings on discovering the body, Inspector...'

'This chicken has no taste or character.' 'I thought you wanted to eat it, not offer it a job.'

'Miss Wilson, get on the web and find me everything on bottles!'

Centaur falls in love.

I'm Aging Gracefully...so SHUT UP!!!

'What do you mean, 'act my age'?... If I did that I'd be dead!'

"I'm so glad you suggested we insert his heart on Valentine's Day!"

Furniture from hell.

'He said, but for you he wouldn't have stuck your credit card to the roof of his mouth in the first place...'

'Remember the book about the scary monsters, Honey? Well, your father's relatives can't hurt you, either.'