Sassy Commentator Gifts

'Sorry, I can't hear you because this jerk in front of me has a really crinkly wrapper.'

"Them's cat-fightin' words, Arlin!"

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

'What? I'm scratching the sofa! I'm not! And if I was? It's your fault!'

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"I'll probably die an old woman before I get that bedtime story."

'You're so nice and friendly that I've got nothing to moan about. That's a bit of cheek!'

I'm Aging Gracefully...so SHUT UP!!!

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

'What do you mean, 'act my age'?... If I did that I'd be dead!'

"Jeez, calm down, Bill. We're not saying you're wrong... Just that you're an idiot."

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

Art Gallery.

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

Justice for a heckler.

"I've had many men in this town darling, but many men have not had me."

Furniture from hell.

Poking gentle fun at the company in the blog wasn't meant to include saying that the chief exec had a face like a baboons bottom.

"That outfit is a nasty mix of stripes and patterns."

"Does the phone in my back pocket make my butt look too big?"

"No, the guy who had this job before me didn't retire - he escaped."

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

"Oh, please, do tell me what Warren Buffett has to say about adding bleach to delicates."

"You know you have a weak heart, mom. Sit down on your favorite rocking chair and just it easy."

"Med school was a blast."

"Boss, if you could be any superhero, which one would it be?" "Insurance-Adjuster-Man." "In a world where superheroes were real, there'd be an awful lot of collateral damage to buildings and infrastructure." "Insurance-Adjuster-Man would probably clear six figures by breakfast." "'Heroes' aren't in it for the money." "Of course they are. Take Lex Luthor, for instance..."

Big Brother.

'Like it'll do any good.'

"Miss. Did you ever actually meet Julius Caesar?"

'Perfect birthday party dear, but so it should be after the practice you've had over so many years.'

"In other words homogenius."

'I don't eat organic foods. At my age I can use all the preservatives I can get.'