Sassy Commentator Pillows

'Sorry, I can't hear you because this jerk in front of me has a really crinkly wrapper.'

"Them's cat-fightin' words, Arlin!"

"I'll probably die an old woman before I get that bedtime story."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

'What? I'm scratching the sofa! I'm not! And if I was? It's your fault!'

'You're so nice and friendly that I've got nothing to moan about. That's a bit of cheek!'

I'm Aging Gracefully...so SHUT UP!!!

"Jeez, calm down, Bill. We're not saying you're wrong... Just that you're an idiot."

'What do you mean, 'act my age'?... If I did that I'd be dead!'

"I've had many men in this town darling, but many men have not had me."

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

Justice for a heckler.

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

Furniture from hell.

Art Gallery.

Poking gentle fun at the company in the blog wasn't meant to include saying that the chief exec had a face like a baboons bottom.

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

"No, the guy who had this job before me didn't retire - he escaped."

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

"Does the phone in my back pocket make my butt look too big?"

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

"Oh, please, do tell me what Warren Buffett has to say about adding bleach to delicates."

Big Brother.

"Med school was a blast."

'Perfect birthday party dear, but so it should be after the practice you've had over so many years.'

'Like it'll do any good.'

"Miss. Did you ever actually meet Julius Caesar?"

"Boss, if you could be any superhero, which one would it be?" "Insurance-Adjuster-Man." "In a world where superheroes were real, there'd be an awful lot of collateral damage to buildings and infrastructure." "Insurance-Adjuster-Man would probably clear six figures by breakfast." "'Heroes' aren't in it for the money." "Of course they are. Take Lex Luthor, for instance..."

"In other words homogenius."

'I don't eat organic foods. At my age I can use all the preservatives I can get.'

'So that's all there is to it! Just remember to always look busy, the boss likes to drop in unexpectedly sometimes!'