Sassy Humor Aficionado Gifts

Polly want a cracker? Sure. While you're up, get a life.

"Them's cat-fightin' words, Arlin!"

"The doctor is in court on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

"Would you like to see the markup?"

'What? I'm scratching the sofa! I'm not! And if I was? It's your fault!'

"I'll probably die an old woman before I get that bedtime story."

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

'It's an emergency, Doctor. The vitamin company needs an endorsement.'

"Three years running 'fake news' websites? You're just what we're looking for!"

'My dear boy its a wonderful display of post modern expressionism with overtones of Dada.'

"Jeez, calm down, Bill. We're not saying you're wrong... Just that you're an idiot."

'What do you mean, 'act my age'?... If I did that I'd be dead!'

"I've had many men in this town darling, but many men have not had me."

Furniture from hell.

"Allow me to explain the terms of our easy payment plan."

'Nothing much happened in the Middle East today.... Ha! -- Just kidding.'

Next Terrifying Military Threats

Adult Magician

"The world isn't ready for a book like this. How would you feel about publishing it posthumously?"

'Watch your step. I happen to know you're an alpha male.'

'We also sell water for eighty dollars a glass.'

"In other words homogenius."

Who has two thumbs and

"Somehow these awards are seeming less special."

"Every few years, Gordon and the TV get a couple of inches wider."

Doomsdayer waves sign saying 'The world isn't going to end, it's just going to suck'.

This is Dr. Sadie. What's your question, caller? How can I tell if my cold is really bronchitis? Stop yer sniveling. In my day, a body would hope it was bronchitis. It gave you a chance to prove your grit! Nothing like a touch of burning pain, wheezing, and crackling in the chest to separate the women from the girls. What kind of doctor are you, again?

'Perfect birthday party dear, but so it should be after the practice you've had over so many years.'

"I believe they're a debt collection agency."

'Your experience is nil, qualifications lacking, references horrible, and you fulfill MY need for job security perfectly...YOU'RE HIRED!'

If injury lawyers said what they really mean.

"The voice pattern is similar to Dad's."

"Sleazy listening FM. We always lower the tone."

What Should Jeff Bezos Do With "His" $131 Billion?

"He's perfectly nice, but sort of boring, like good cholesterol or something."