Sassy Singles Gifts

The quest for spinsterhood.

"Yeah, I got into trouble, but I think the principal really enjoyed my rendition of 'I Did It My Way.'"

"Them's cat-fightin' words, Arlin!"

What's In Her Bag? Coachella Edition!

'You're so nice and friendly that I've got nothing to moan about. That's a bit of cheek!'

Whatever!

I'm Aging Gracefully...so SHUT UP!!!

'What do you mean, 'act my age'?... If I did that I'd be dead!'

"The Mashed Potato Casserole with Creamed Spinach, Baked Egg and Garlic is half price tonight, sir. It's horrible."

Furniture from hell.

"I've had many men in this town darling, but many men have not had me."

"Does the phone in my back pocket make my butt look too big?"

"You know you have a weak heart, mom. Sit down on your favorite rocking chair and just it easy."

"Miss. Did you ever actually meet Julius Caesar?"

"In other words homogenius."

'Perfect birthday party dear, but so it should be after the practice you've had over so many years.'

'I don't eat organic foods. At my age I can use all the preservatives I can get.'

"Sweetie, words have the power to hurt. I'll teach you some of the most effective ones."

"He's perfectly nice, but sort of boring, like good cholesterol or something."

'Sorry, I can't hear you because this jerk in front of me has a really crinkly wrapper.'

ACME COMPUTER DATING SERVICE, 'She should be attractive, intelligenty, charming, and funny, or best offer.

'...Ok clothes, for the way you or someone else could live if you chose to, but you don't so you buy the clothes anyway as silly, sassy statement of defiance!'

"Can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with tennis."

"Have your people get in touch with my people."

"Make it sassy, Jim."

A Fact.

Can you believe we're old enough to have kids taking sex-ed? No! Thank heavens they have a curriculum with all the choices. Although

"Copywriting is too 'writing.'"

"'Lone Wolf"? No babe, you've misread it: my online profile reads 'Love Wolf'!"

"You can't be too thin, too rich or too catty."

Nice try, but you can't blame your empty highball on global warming.

High heeled woman stepping on man's feet

'The computer's running on at the mouth again.'

A lady teaching a young man to write

Polly want a cracker? Sure. While you're up, get a life.