Sardonic Health Nut Gifts

The End IS Near

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

"I never said they were well-compensated. I just said they were paid handsomely."

"Because you're a mechanic, we're going to do your hydrotherapy in a car pool."

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

"He's So Your Type."

'Took calcium supplements for years without paying for them.'

"Most of the time, it's unclear what our company does exactly."

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

"Yoga has helped me appreciate the healing power of donuts."

"Up here everything is pretty much opposite."

Good news - we've found your car.

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

"Take some identification with you in case you die."

'Yes, I did give it an oil change myself. I changed to a healthy low calorie oil with no transfats.'

Triple espresso, please. No caffeine for you, Uncle Mort. Doctor's orders. I thought you might say that. That's why I brought along my doctor. He can attest that I'm perfectly healthy and can tolerate vast quantities of caffeine. Mortimer Park is perfectly healthy and can tolerate vast quantities of caffeine. His bones are strong, his blood pressure is dandy, and he's got the pancreas of a man half his age. Give my patient a quadruple espresso, stat!!! You're a great ventriloquist, but your aim

"You don't get a raise because it's a job killer!"

Hearse on an emergency

"When the boss said he could replace me with a trained monkey, I replied, prove it! Me and my big mouth."

'I don't care what anyone says! This is really hard work!'

"Hey, Robinson Crusoe! Taking the laundry to mommy? Wow, you sure know how to 'rough it'! Haha!!" "Just ignore them." "Can you bring us back some of her blueberry pie? Ha!"

The Ribbon, Nemesis Of Crime....

'Got anything more exciting?' - 'Yes, under the counter we have hamburger and chips, beer and chocolate cake.'

"I'm on a health kick at the moment - let's walk around it a few times before we eat."

'It may seem dull to you now, Harry, but at one time, everything in that book was breaking news.'

"Forget the meaning of life, go get me a chirpractor."

'Science shows cats love you!'

Careful - the coffee's room temperature.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else. Someone with peanuts."

"Acid burns to the lips, sea-water in the lungs, a bullet hole to the right temple...it all points to a love of life."

'Sorry, but walking to and from the refrigerator is not considered taking part in a walkathon.'

'The little woman hide the remote control, and I've lost ten pounds looking for it!'

'I quite the wine class after 5 minutes. The instructor started by saying that wine a liquid, but it's dry.'

A woman identifies a cake in a police lineup.