Sarcastic Health Nut Gifts

'Sorry, but walking to and from the refrigerator is not considered taking part in a walkathon.'

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'Me? I took my cardio to the next level.'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

"Can I still do my pilates?"

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'Caesar salad?'

"Well if it comes to that you're not exactly Mr Wonderful."

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

Hey, how was space? Fine. Jeez. The adolescent astronaut.

'Is your cabbage diet working darling?'

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

Gym. Check in Here. The only time I feel the burn is when I pay the memberbship fee.

'I can't conceal it any longer - the food in this place is killing you.'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

Advanced aerobicizers wait till after class to aid the fallen.

Body Building

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

Sugar Crunchies - Free Dental Treatment.

I can't decide what to read, Gourmet or Weight Watchers.

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"It would be better with a protein, but add-ons are so expensive."

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

Forbidden Vegetable

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'