Sarcastic Health Nut Pillows

'Sorry, but walking to and from the refrigerator is not considered taking part in a walkathon.'

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'Me? I took my cardio to the next level.'

"Well if it comes to that you're not exactly Mr Wonderful."

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'Caesar salad?'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

'Is your cabbage diet working darling?'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'I can't conceal it any longer - the food in this place is killing you.'

Advanced aerobicizers wait till after class to aid the fallen.

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

Body Building

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

Sugar Crunchies - Free Dental Treatment.

"It would be better with a protein, but add-ons are so expensive."

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

Forbidden Vegetable

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."