Sarcastic Sunshine Pillows

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

'Caesar salad?'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

Attorney At Law: Today's special - Bankruptcy and Divorce. Two for the price of one.

'I was hoping traffic would ease up after the polar ice cap melted.'

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

"You know, crime doesn't pay... at least at your level."

"I'm not whining."

"You're taking this 'King Of Beasts' thing too seriously."

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

"So, Ben, what do you want to be when you stop sponging off your parents?"

"Just say the word and I'll love you."