Sarcastic Student Gifts

'That was creepy. They ran short on cadavers, so we operated on the dean of students.'

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

Hey, how was space? Fine. Jeez. The adolescent astronaut.

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

"Fetch!" "Sorry, I'm on a break."

"I'm not whining."

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

"So, Ben, what do you want to be when you stop sponging off your parents?"

Home Sweet Mortgage (worth more than the house).

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

"You're taking this 'King Of Beasts' thing too seriously."

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

Didn't we fire you last week?