Sarcastic Quip Master Gifts

'I've got a bottle of wine with your name on it back at my house.'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Exciting potato bugs.

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

Redhead

How About Serving Us For a Change

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

"I don't want to insult your intelligence - I imagine that happens enough as it is."

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

'He lost his whistle,'

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

Know-it-alls

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

'Don't get worked up - that's one you didn't bail out.'

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

'Stop complaining or I'll take you home and serve you some of my husband's cooking!'

"Of course you don't need to tell me about your procurement plans for the year ahead. That would spoil the surprise and give us time to deliver value for money and who needs that?!"

"I see that there's an excellent sale on diddly-squat at the Zilchtown Mall in Nowheresville, New Jersey."

"Mine has a terrible battery life."

"Well, I wouldn't exactly say we're pursuing bankruptcy. It's more like bankruptcy is pursuing us."