Sarcastic Quip Master T-Shirts

'I've got a bottle of wine with your name on it back at my house.'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

Redhead

How About Serving Us For a Change

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'He lost his whistle,'

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

Know-it-alls

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

'Stop complaining or I'll take you home and serve you some of my husband's cooking!'

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

"I see that there's an excellent sale on diddly-squat at the Zilchtown Mall in Nowheresville, New Jersey."

Men Not Working.

My parents went to a t-shirt shop and all they got me was this lousy tattoo.

"Well, I wouldn't exactly say we're pursuing bankruptcy. It's more like bankruptcy is pursuing us."

"It's a 'get worse soon card' from your ex wife."