Sarcastic Patriot Gifts

"Armstrong, why do we have Fourth of July decorations up? It's months away." "Exactly." "A true patriot loves his country regardless of the date." "A true patriot celebrates the founding of our corporatocracy every single day of the year, minion." "Some of the decorations are smeared with coffee grounds and banana peels." "A true patriot knows that one cafe's dumpster is another cafe's treasure."

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

'Did you clear this through Legal first?'

The transparent safe box of Panama

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

"Well if it comes to that you're not exactly Mr Wonderful."

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

"White Collar Prison"

"Try unplugging it and throwing it out the window."

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

I clawed my way to the top and all they gave me at the end was a manicure.

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

"I guess the point I'm trying to make is, calling the committee on Progress and Evolution a bunch of know-it-all nincompoops might have felt good when you said it, but..."

'I've decided to make you someone else's problem.'

The average taxpayer will ultimately embrace the auto industry bailout. Hell, we sold em all that useless undercoating for all these years!

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'

'The fact that you worked as an unpaid intern shows you don't understand the concept of being a banker.'

'To Err is human...but to forgive is against company policy!'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

"Can't you just troll me?"

"How about fashionably never?"

'If you can't beat 'em join 'em.'

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

"Congratulations, gentlemen - we have achieved failure."

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

The canteen food's pretty awful...