Sarcasm Simplyers Pillows

Rent-a-Drama: "How many tweens will you need for your event?"

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

"So, you say I'll be doubling the numbers of animals I kill?"

"I've no idea. Maybe it's the slumber channel."

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

Another day at work would be one too many...

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"We're at the top of the food chain and rulers of all we survey. What could possibly go wrong?"

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

'Someday TVs will be in big boxes on the floor.'

The Snarky District

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

'Oh no, it's the Burkes! You stall them here while I go fix my hair and don't let them roam around. Remember, once you have cockroaches in your kitchen, you'll never get rid of them.'

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

"My tariffs will move the world in a new direction!!"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Do it yourself books.