Sarcasm Surfer Pillows

'I still have a soft spot for my ex- like quicksand!'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

German Expressionist Breakfast

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

'The Burrito King.'

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

The Snarky District

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

Beware of Falling Notice.

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"I lettered in spelling."

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"I suppose you want the rest of the day off!"

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

"Well, it's been nice. And obviously the £10 million win hasn't change you. . . . A mug of tea an' a couple garibaldies - as tight as ever!"

Batsford doesn't suffer fools gladly.

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

'We drove 800 miles for this? If I wanted to look at a roomful of dusty bottles, we could have visited your mother.'

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

Alarmistclock

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

'I'm down to a pack of neuroses a day.'