Sarcasm Squad Pillows

'Another day another dollar Maurice, but boy do I hate kids!'

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Let's consider an early dive."

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"The announcement of the changes really went well."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

The Snarky District

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

Czarcasm

"It's good to know she was butchered for a noble cause."

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"Of course it's a stupid sign, but you wouldn't believe how much money it brings in for city hall!"

Beware of Falling Notice.

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"I lettered in spelling."

"Yes, we voted remain - how did you guess?"

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

"This number goes out to all the little people I met on my way back down."

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.