Sarcasm Squad Gifts

'Another day another dollar Maurice, but boy do I hate kids!'

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"Let's consider an early dive."

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"The announcement of the changes really went well."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

Czarcasm

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

The Snarky District

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"Of course it's a stupid sign, but you wouldn't believe how much money it brings in for city hall!"

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Beware of Falling Notice.

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"I lettered in spelling."

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

"Yes, we voted remain - how did you guess?"

"This number goes out to all the little people I met on my way back down."

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

'This program is geared towards the youth market. You give it up to five commands and it closes down in a huff!'

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."