Santa Theorist Pillows

"Wow! My calculations show that on Christmas night, Santa Claus will visit 1 house every .83 seconds!"

Punk Reindeer

"Of course, I'm willing to negotiate. . ."

'Kids like my presents, but do they really like me?'

All I want for Christmas is a modest recovery in the GDP, along with expectations that the year-over-year growth rate will significantly improve in 2014.'

'Toys?! Good heavens, no! I made my fortune through commercial endorsements.'

"It's creepy thinking that Santa can sneak into my house undetected. I must find out how he does it!"

'Listen, Santa. Either you repay what you owe, or we reposses Rudolph!'

Santa Elevator

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

'No, it doesn't have to snow for Santa to get here. He probably drives a big four-wheel-drive SUV ... '

'I mind my mother, and I do my lessons, and I'm here for the quid pro quo.'

It was brighter than most, and Biggins allowed himself a quiet smile as he contemplated the immense speeds involved as it burned itself up in the atmosphere...

'His version of sin is different from the press account.'

'Shhhhh...He's preparing for the holiday season.'

"I like the Easter Bunny - I find him less judgmental than Santa Claus."

'I don't really believe in Santa Claus anymore, but I don't want to disillusion my parents.'

Rudolph is at bar speaking to a patron-'So he asks me if I'll pull his sleigh and I'm like-'Not until I get that backpay you owe me fatso!' '

"Another one asking me to fix the climate crisis."

About Santa 2017.

Don't fly and text.

"Mrs. Santa Claus wants a divorce, the elves in my workshop is on strike, the reindeer just hate me and global warming makes my place in the North Pole melt!"

"It's unrealistic for us to have a chimney, tree, or stockings, so you can forget about Santa."

Dear Santa- Thanks for the awesome gift! p.s. did you know cellphones have built-in calculators? p.p.s. you suck.

"Who wants to talk to Santa? Anyone? Hello?"

Outward bound/Homeward bound.

'He sees me when I'm sleeping, he knows when I'm awake...'

'I'm going to tell him I've been good on the chance that my reputation hasn't preceded me.'

"I wonder how Santa got my pony into such a small box?"

"Well... I don't believe in you either!"

"Santa's workshopping"

"My mom and dad don't have a magic flying sleigh."