Santa Theorist T-Shirts

"Wow! My calculations show that on Christmas night, Santa Claus will visit 1 house every .83 seconds!"

Punk Reindeer

"Of course, I'm willing to negotiate. . ."

'Kids like my presents, but do they really like me?'

All I want for Christmas is a modest recovery in the GDP, along with expectations that the year-over-year growth rate will significantly improve in 2014.'

"It's creepy thinking that Santa can sneak into my house undetected. I must find out how he does it!"

'Toys?! Good heavens, no! I made my fortune through commercial endorsements.'

'Listen, Santa. Either you repay what you owe, or we reposses Rudolph!'

Santa Elevator

'No, it doesn't have to snow for Santa to get here. He probably drives a big four-wheel-drive SUV ... '

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

'I mind my mother, and I do my lessons, and I'm here for the quid pro quo.'

'With all those presents Santa carries, do you think he packs heat? . . . And maybe he's not really fat, but he's wearing a kevlar vest.'

'His version of sin is different from the press account.'

It was brighter than most, and Biggins allowed himself a quiet smile as he contemplated the immense speeds involved as it burned itself up in the atmosphere...

'Shhhhh...He's preparing for the holiday season.'

"I like the Easter Bunny - I find him less judgmental than Santa Claus."

'I don't really believe in Santa Claus anymore, but I don't want to disillusion my parents.'

About Santa 2017.

Rudolph is at bar speaking to a patron-'So he asks me if I'll pull his sleigh and I'm like-'Not until I get that backpay you owe me fatso!' '

"Another one asking me to fix the climate crisis."

"What I want for Christmas is to have the day off and watch 'Miracle on 34th Street'."

Don't fly and text.

Outward bound/Homeward bound.

Dear Santa- Thanks for the awesome gift! p.s. did you know cellphones have built-in calculators? p.p.s. you suck.

"Who wants to talk to Santa? Anyone? Hello?"

"It's unrealistic for us to have a chimney, tree, or stockings, so you can forget about Santa."

"Mrs. Santa Claus wants a divorce, the elves in my workshop is on strike, the reindeer just hate me and global warming makes my place in the North Pole melt!"

'I'm going to tell him I've been good on the chance that my reputation hasn't preceded me.'

'He sees me when I'm sleeping, he knows when I'm awake...'

'HA! Just as I thought! These are DAD'S fingerprints, not SANTA'S.'

"Well... I don't believe in you either!"

"I wonder how Santa got my pony into such a small box?"

'I keep having this nightmare where I'm old and fat, haven't shaved in years and wherever I go, kids are bugging me for toys.'

'Now there's a perfect example of something that's not cost effective. Fire him!'