Santa Skeptics Gifts

"Well... I don't believe in you either!"

"It's creepy thinking that Santa can sneak into my house undetected. I must find out how he does it!"

'Now there's a perfect example of something that's not cost effective. Fire him!'

'With all those presents Santa carries, do you think he packs heat? . . . And maybe he's not really fat, but he's wearing a kevlar vest.'

'we're sorry son - Father Christmas failed his CRB check.'

"It's unrealistic for us to have a chimney, tree, or stockings, so you can forget about Santa."

"Your parents bring the presents, and he takes the credit."

Punk Reindeer

"I wonder how many people are claiming to be your messiah right now?"

'Kids like my presents, but do they really like me?'

'Toys?! Good heavens, no! I made my fortune through commercial endorsements.'

"But, Jesus - you can't become an atheist."

'Listen, Santa. Either you repay what you owe, or we reposses Rudolph!'

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

Santa Elevator

'No, it doesn't have to snow for Santa to get here. He probably drives a big four-wheel-drive SUV ... '

Crystal Ball Plug

Peter explains to the Disciples what really happened.

'Shhhhh...He's preparing for the holiday season.'

"I like the Easter Bunny - I find him less judgmental than Santa Claus."

"Another one asking me to fix the climate crisis."

'I don't really believe in Santa Claus anymore, but I don't want to disillusion my parents.'

Rudolph is at bar speaking to a patron-'So he asks me if I'll pull his sleigh and I'm like-'Not until I get that backpay you owe me fatso!' '

About Santa 2017.

"What I want for Christmas is to have the day off and watch 'Miracle on 34th Street'."

Don't fly and text.

"Wow! My calculations show that on Christmas night, Santa Claus will visit 1 house every .83 seconds!"

Dear Santa- Thanks for the awesome gift! p.s. did you know cellphones have built-in calculators? p.p.s. you suck.

"Who wants to talk to Santa? Anyone? Hello?"

"Mrs. Santa Claus wants a divorce, the elves in my workshop is on strike, the reindeer just hate me and global warming makes my place in the North Pole melt!"

Outward bound/Homeward bound.

"I have a rich and generous son who wants to contribute to the heavenly fund."

Text Santa

'Just who the heck are you to decide who's naughty or nice? Quit trying to impose your ideas of morality on everyone else!!'

'He sees me when I'm sleeping, he knows when I'm awake...'