Santa's Cynical Observer Gifts

'Yeah, that's right kid, I'm one of Santa's little helpers. There's been a product recall.'

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

Punk Reindeer

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

"It's creepy thinking that Santa can sneak into my house undetected. I must find out how he does it!"

For instance, a $25 delivery charge. You'd clean up right there.

'Toys?! Good heavens, no! I made my fortune through commercial endorsements.'

Attorney At Law: Today's special - Bankruptcy and Divorce. Two for the price of one.

Santa Elevator

'I mind my mother, and I do my lessons, and I'm here for the quid pro quo.'

'No, it doesn't have to snow for Santa to get here. He probably drives a big four-wheel-drive SUV ... '

The Government That Cried Wolf

Dirty Tricks Dept.

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

"If the press brings up your past just double down on 'The sky is falling!'."

'With all those presents Santa carries, do you think he packs heat? . . . And maybe he's not really fat, but he's wearing a kevlar vest.'

"Just put one foot directly in front of the other, sir, and walk in as straight a line as possible."

"I like the Easter Bunny - I find him less judgmental than Santa Claus."

*2020

"I thought you might like to have a merrier brain for the new millennium!"

Rudolph is at bar speaking to a patron-'So he asks me if I'll pull his sleigh and I'm like-'Not until I get that backpay you owe me fatso!' '

About Santa 2017.

'I don't really believe in Santa Claus anymore, but I don't want to disillusion my parents.'

I brake for Jetliners.

'So you say, 'Tom, how do I become filthy rich?' Why, that's easy. By scamming others the way I'm about to scam you.'

"We love Santa, but Santa didn't know as much about investing as he thought he did."

'The demeanor of this judicial panel doesn't bode well for your appeal.'

Don't fly and text.

Please, please please let me be the one to tell him we outsourced his job.

"Wow! My calculations show that on Christmas night, Santa Claus will visit 1 house every .83 seconds!"

"He knows nothing of the Superglue theft and he's sticking to the facts."

Highway ends with sign "Whatever"

Vote Glibney! Give government back to the people! 'What's the point? -- they'd just sell it on E-Bay.'

Dear Santa- Thanks for the awesome gift! p.s. did you know cellphones have built-in calculators? p.p.s. you suck.

"It's unrealistic for us to have a chimney, tree, or stockings, so you can forget about Santa."