Santa's Critic Gifts

Dear Santa- Thanks for the awesome gift! p.s. did you know cellphones have built-in calculators? p.p.s. you suck.

Punk Reindeer

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

"It's creepy thinking that Santa can sneak into my house undetected. I must find out how he does it!"

'Toys?! Good heavens, no! I made my fortune through commercial endorsements.'

For instance, a $25 delivery charge. You'd clean up right there.

Santa Elevator

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

'No, it doesn't have to snow for Santa to get here. He probably drives a big four-wheel-drive SUV ... '

'With all those presents Santa carries, do you think he packs heat? . . . And maybe he's not really fat, but he's wearing a kevlar vest.'

"Just put one foot directly in front of the other, sir, and walk in as straight a line as possible."

"I like the Easter Bunny - I find him less judgmental than Santa Claus."

"I thought you might like to have a merrier brain for the new millennium!"

Rudolph is at bar speaking to a patron-'So he asks me if I'll pull his sleigh and I'm like-'Not until I get that backpay you owe me fatso!' '

'So, Pluto, you prefer the term 'little planet' to 'dwarf planet.' Is that correct?'

'I don't really believe in Santa Claus anymore, but I don't want to disillusion my parents.'

I brake for Jetliners.

About Santa 2017.

"We love Santa, but Santa didn't know as much about investing as he thought he did."

"Wow! My calculations show that on Christmas night, Santa Claus will visit 1 house every .83 seconds!"

Don't fly and text.

"It's unrealistic for us to have a chimney, tree, or stockings, so you can forget about Santa."

"Are you sure these comment cards are anonymous?"

"Go home, you're not part of my target market."

Slay Ride.

'Don't feel too badly about your post, I used to work for the News of the World.'

'He sees me when I'm sleeping, he knows when I'm awake...'

'What do you mean you don't rent helicopters?' (Santa shot all his reindeer)

"Well... I don't believe in you either!"

'HA! Just as I thought! These are DAD'S fingerprints, not SANTA'S.'

"... Santa, eh? Do you have any form of identification?"

'And God created man in his own image.'

"There are never sleigh tracks on our roof, or soot tracks on our carpet. Maybe you're just fake news?"

"Dad, how does Santa Claus visit all the children in the world in one night?"

Christmas Joy, Peace and Goodwill.