Sanitation Satirist Gifts

This toilet is thoroughly cleaned once a week. Sadly it's tomorrow.

"Note to Bruce in engineering... forget the wheel, invent the d*mn toilet!"

'Would you like me to wipe the cup with my finger or would you prefer Rover here licking it clean?'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Then get under cover before you are struck by lightning.

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Why can't you just learn to floss like other men?"

We can't call the doctor, we can't call the nurse, we have to call the lady with the alligator purse.

ABC Vice Company: Employees Must Squash Hands Before Returning to Work

"...And this is Mable, who will assist me with the billing."

Restaurant menu board: 'Day old - 2 day old - 3 day old'

A mosquito cleaning the surface of a person's arm before sucking out the blood.

"Go back! The place is full of mold!"

Team medic spraying deodorant

"Sorry, there's no toilet paper or hand sanitizer down here."

'I missed my roommate so I went out and got this spray called, 'Never Showers,' and now it's like she never left.'

'Sure you can have another opinion but I still say you are a fat pig.'

'First of all, I'm taking you off the iron supplements.'

'You can't call it a miracle drug just because you added miracle whip!'

"This is a third-year medical student. To cut costs, your insurance company dismissed the surgeon."

'If they don't want me drinking out of the toilet, what's this roll of napkins for?'

"Whoever pulls it out becomes King of Britain, but Phil licked the handle, so..."

Department of Sanitation: In Bin and Out Bin.

"Hey Maurice! Take the menu, replace 'dish of the day' with 'local free range speciality' and double the price!"

"I love you, Ethan, bit I floss alone."

"Don't drink that, it's hand santizer."

No shirt, no shoes, no service.

Remember to wash your hands: "...but not compulsively."

'Another upsetting discovery from the world of nutrition: New studies indicate that the air itself is fattening...'

Energy Drinks

Witch making a brew with Gluten, Nuts, Trans Fats, BGH, GMOs...

Pull Grandma's Plug...

Hospital say GPs will manage patients it has told doctors to discharge early.

'What did you find in your soup?'

"I like making pastry... It gets your hands clean."