Safety Sardonic Gifts

Accident free button gives an electric shock.

'As meetings go that was one of my better ones!'

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

Targets

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

'Who ordered twelve gross of aluminium buckets for the bailout?'

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

Special Place in Hell...

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

'Don't be so velodramatic!'

'You may experience some discomfort.'

"The food is so-so, but they make up for it with free refills on the drinks."

'Ok...I was wrong. Things can get worse.'

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

"Look Marj, decalf."

Please Wait to be Heated. (Two new arrivals enter Hell.)

'It couldn't be much fresher ,sir - didn't you see it wink at you ?'

'It may seem dull to you now, Harry, but at one time, everything in that book was breaking news.'

'I got bored with the pale horse, so I swapped it for a white van.'

"Forget the meaning of life, go get me a chirpractor."

'The world will remember me when I'm gone...at least, that considerable part I owe money to.'

"It's not garden decking. The wind blew the fence down last night."

'Damocles, did I sit in the wrong chair?'

'Science shows cats love you!'

Man Gives Death the Finger.

"Maureen, Phelps is down. Would you like to come In and kick him?"

"Acid burns to the lips, sea-water in the lungs, a bullet hole to the right temple...it all points to a love of life."