Routine Humorist Gifts

'Ahh...I see your future. Get up, go to work, go to bed. Get up, go to work, go to bed. Get...'

"You think I just roll our of bed majestic?"

'George has adjusted to working at home except for having to ride the train into the city and back before he can start the day.'

Owing to a clerical error, Luciano Pavarotti receives kudus instead of kudos for his performance as the Duke of Mantua.

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

'Pink isn't EITHER the new black!'

Magic Act

'Where my balls go?'

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.

'Let me through, let me through, I'm a computer geek.'

'Yes, Dear, they are very pretty shoes!'

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

"The Armour seems okay, it must be a touch of rheumatism."

"This is all so ARBITRARY!"

"What's the difference between being addicted to painkillers and just really, really liking them a lot?"

"Virgin?! My bad. . . I thought you asked for a vegan."

New Belief Systems

"You must cut down on your smoking."

The Theatre of Mime.

"I'm getting earthy overtones of guilt, with just a hint of sexual frustration."

popcorn...

Annual 10K Fun Run

"I figured my family could use a padded cell. Actually, I just buy toilet paper in bulk."

"It's boilerplate marriage vows with a pre-nup rider. Just hit the 'agree' button."

"Now where did I park my car?"

Life bingo

"Okay wait, it just came in. I guess he did text for help."

'One of our actors is passed out drunk. Is there a spin doctor in the house?'

"I thought he was about to be knighted, too, didn't you?"

"And that's why I avoid moisture-wicking sportswear."

"Can we please sign off just one night without the national anthem?"

'I do like a smoke afterwards.'

"I got a bad papercut from my health magazine!"

Marathon winners.

"Ed woke each morning at dawn to feed his pets, and each morning at dawn, Bruno and Luna frightened Ed. Yaaaaa! Wha? Who's there?!"