Routine Humorist Gifts

'Ahh...I see your future. Get up, go to work, go to bed. Get up, go to work, go to bed. Get...'

"You think I just roll our of bed majestic?"

'George has adjusted to working at home except for having to ride the train into the city and back before he can start the day.'

Owing to a clerical error, Luciano Pavarotti receives kudus instead of kudos for his performance as the Duke of Mantua.

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

'Pink isn't EITHER the new black!'

Magic Act

'Where my balls go?'

'Let me through, let me through, I'm a computer geek.'

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.

'Yes, Dear, they are very pretty shoes!'

"This is all so ARBITRARY!"

"The Armour seems okay, it must be a touch of rheumatism."

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

"Virgin?! My bad. . . I thought you asked for a vegan."

New Belief Systems

"What's the difference between being addicted to painkillers and just really, really liking them a lot?"

"You must cut down on your smoking."

"Now where did I park my car?"

Annual 10K Fun Run

"I'm getting earthy overtones of guilt, with just a hint of sexual frustration."

"I figured my family could use a padded cell. Actually, I just buy toilet paper in bulk."

popcorn...

The Theatre of Mime.

"It's boilerplate marriage vows with a pre-nup rider. Just hit the 'agree' button."

Life bingo

'I do like a smoke afterwards.'

"Can we please sign off just one night without the national anthem?"

"Okay wait, it just came in. I guess he did text for help."

'One of our actors is passed out drunk. Is there a spin doctor in the house?'

"I got a bad papercut from my health magazine!"

"And that's why I avoid moisture-wicking sportswear."

"I thought he was about to be knighted, too, didn't you?"

10 Commandments Bar.

"Ed woke each morning at dawn to feed his pets, and each morning at dawn, Bruno and Luna frightened Ed. Yaaaaa! Wha? Who's there?!"