Practical Humorist Gifts

"I figured my family could use a padded cell. Actually, I just buy toilet paper in bulk."

"She's fine. She just needs some tofu."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

UK/US Free Trade Deal

They're Not Just That Into It

No-Work Orange

"Canadian Mt. ‘Rush’more"

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

Trump! The Musical

Football Chameleon

"...And do you Sean Spicer take Kelly Anne Conway..." "The marriage of alternative facts"

"I was going to play the Moonlight Sonata, but I forgot the key."

"This next one is my own quirky rendition of Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Movement 5, 'Dream of a Witches' Sabbath.'"

"Wait, those crunchy, cheesy little fish thingies are free?!"

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

I've Always Wanted to Be Oppressed By Someone Who Looks Like Me

'He's downgrading the credit agencies.'

Radiator jazz player

'Poll results are in...90% of Americans can't spell Schwarzenneger.'

"Not now, my love. I'm feeling preminstrel."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

Spot the Difference - God/Uncle Sam

'We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal, except for Hancock... who smells bad...'

European Union: Entering a prohibitive tax zone.

Trump Will Protect Obama's Legacy

Uncle Donnie

"Beware of Don"

'Democracy? -- do you REALLY want the bars closed every election day?'

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

John F. Kennedy

A crab with a utility knife claw

"Look! Other people. We'll have to develop a foreign policy!"