Room-sharing Raconteur Gifts

"As far as roommates go he's fine, he just leaves deadly traps everywhere."

"I think I need an extra pillow."

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"Sorry, you're only allowed one carrion."

Non Thought For The Day.

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

"What I did on my summer vacation and how I optioned it to Miramax..."

'I missed my roommate so I went out and got this spray called, 'Never Showers,' and now it's like she never left.'

"Pretty good day. I wasn't linked to anything incriminating."

'Guess who I bumped into today? EVERYBODY!'

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

"That was Hadrian's wall. Now here we are crashing into the Great Wall of China."

How Platypuses Are Born

Tonight's specials are printed on the side of the barn. ? Bar.

'With me and Dave it was definitely love at first sight. How about you two?'

Max Beerbohm

'Oh him? That's Frank. My parents made me take in a boarder to cover the cost of my car insurance.'

It Actually Happened 'My neighbour is always bragging about her Manx cat....

"You misinterpreted the news. I've simply had a terrific autumn."

'So, do you fish for sport or do you actually catch something?'

"Great first quarter guys but I'm a little concerned about the future."

"Thanks - it was so fabulously regional. I mean, I can't close my eyes without seeing fajitas and Georgia O'Keeffe."

'I understand that the two of you had a rather successful collaboration on our new sex manual!'

'Down on the farm!'

"I've rented the extra room to an escaped convict - maybe you know him."

'When did I first start rambling? Well, it's a long story...'

Businessman As A Weather Vane

I'm thinking of open-carrying. Forget it, little buddy. The last thing anyone needs is for you to be running around armed. You don't know the first thing about firearm safety. Who said anything about firearms? I'm talking about open-carrying my iPad. STOP! There's nothing more disgusting than a geek who thinks he's a technology cowboy wearing his gadgets like they're weapons. Stop the madness! What do you think, Randy: Hip holster, thigh holster, or shoulder sling? STOP!!! A real man would just

'During my trip around the World, I took some pictures with this new digital camera... here is my finger covering the lens in Sidney... here in New York... Rome... Lisbon... Hamburg...'

Nethead strip: Long lost cousin

"Ya know, what really struck me the most about my trip to Bali was the $14 ham and cheese sandwich I discovered at JFK Airport."

Please do not feed the flight attendants k thx!

Yield ahead, school zone ahead,stop ahead,a head ahead.

"How does it feel to be one of the last hard-liners still in place?"

'Talk about a spread. I bet his will go 38 inches.'