Room Sharing Survivor Gifts

'I missed my roommate so I went out and got this spray called, 'Never Showers,' and now it's like she never left.'

"I think I need an extra pillow."

"There, all neat and tidy!"

So...this is the roommate. Awkward...

"How do you know it's my leaves clogging the shower drain?"

"I'm declawed, but with this headset, I can at least virtually scratch up the furniture."

"Please fill out these forms. We don't need them for anything, but you're making me nervous staring at your watch."

"But mom, I can't clean my room now. I just won the Kids Bedroom Seal of Approval!"

"If you liked tonight's meal, you might enjoy 'Making The Meal,' a documentary with outtakes and commentary when the cook ran out of eggs because someone put an empty carton back in the refrigerator..."

"The point of going outside is the feeling when coming back inside."

"Are you still mad at me?" "Mentally I'm storming off right now."

'Last time I share-house with a Wookie!'

"Thanks so much for letting me crash here, I really appreciate how unassertive you are."

"Actually, I didn't become dizzy and nauseous until I started inhaling the scent strips in the waiting room magazines."

"I'm in a shared room?! What kind of hole is this?"

'Face it, 24 hour grocery stores were made for people like us.'

'I always thought Facebook was the perfect roommate...Until the rent came due.'

"Ok, you wash, you dry...."

"Other than obsessive bread-making, compulsive cleaning, British-TV-baking-series bingeing..."

Magicians make terrible roommates. 'Did you clean or just make everything disappear?' 'Where's my keys?!' 'You know I have an early class!'

"We have to face reality. Unless we invite people over, we will never muster the energy to clean the place."

'I don't need to exercise to lose weight. The odor in this locker room suppressed all my appetite.'

'Oh him? That's Frank. My parents made me take in a boarder to cover the cost of my car insurance.'

Life in Lockdown: Working from Home (The Video Zoom Call)

"You've got a dinner invitation."

'You just grew three inches.'

"Who was the last to use the icemaker? You left it on extra large!"

"I've been thinking about what you said about three living as cheaply as two"

'Well, good morning Mr. Daniel, have a seat in our waiting room.'

Pardon me! My being born was your idea, not mine!

"Now, just to review, at the last faculty meeting we established that Marcia hates Fred, Fred hates Carol and Marcia, Carol and Larry despise me, and I hate Larry, Marcia, Fred and Penny."

"You call that a made bed?"

' ... and the person with the most votes to do the washing up is... '

Antisocial distancing

'I have another doctor, but I like your magazines better.'